TL;DR
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Tiny Buddha published an essay by psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman about the limits of trying to control every part of life at once. Drawing on work, family, health and a hospital visit, he describes accepting tradeoffs as a way to stop treating competing priorities as proof of failure.
Tiny Buddha has published an essay by psychotherapist Steve Hauptman arguing that people cannot keep every part of life in order at the same time, and that accepting the costs of choices can help loosen the urge to control every outcome. Hauptman builds the personal account around a Rubik’s Cube metaphor and recounts a hospital visit that tested his ability to wait without becoming frustrated.
Hauptman writes that he regularly faces competing demands: seeing clients or doing household chores, spending time with family or working on a book, and meeting professional responsibilities while making room for rest. He describes those choices as ongoing tradeoffs rather than a problem that can be solved once and for all. “Inside every ‘yes’ there’s a ‘no,’” he writes, explaining that a day spent writing may leave chores undone, while a day spent on chores may mean not writing.
The essay frames the desire to make every person and circumstance conform to one’s preferences as a form of “control addiction.” That phrase is Hauptman’s own description, not a clinical diagnosis in the account. He identifies three paradoxes in attempts at control: needing more control can bring a greater feeling of being out of control; trying to control other people can prompt them to push back; and gaining control in one area can mean surrendering it in another.
He illustrates that last point with examples involving alcohol, career achievement, parenting and concealed depression. These are examples offered by the author, not reported cases or evidence of a general clinical finding. Hauptman says his own change has been to treat the “scrambled side” of life less as proof of failure and more as a reminder that he has made a choice with consequences.
Accepting the Cost of Choices
The essay speaks to a familiar tension: people often want to advance at work, care for family, maintain relationships, protect their health and still have time to rest. Hauptman’s point is not that priorities do not matter, but that pursuing one can limit the time or energy available for another. Recognizing that limit changes how he interprets an untidy home, unfinished writing or a missed treat: as the result of competing demands, not automatically as evidence that he has failed.
His account also offers readers a way to understand why relentless efforts to manage every outcome can create strain. The essay presents acceptance not as giving up on goals, but as acknowledging that choices carry costs and that circumstances will not always cooperate. That is a personal reflection, rather than a tested intervention or a promise of health benefits.
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The Essay’s Control Metaphor
Hauptman’s starting image is a speed-cuber who can solve a Rubik’s Cube quickly. He says he envied the apparent ability to make all six sides align, while his own life felt like a cube where fixing one side left others mixed. The metaphor runs through the essay: life’s competing priorities do not always align, and a person may have to accept an unfinished area while attending to another.
The source identifies Hauptman as a licensed clinical social worker and the author of Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, published in 2015, with a revised edition described as forthcoming. The essay also opens with a line attributed to Buddhist teacher Sylvia Boorstein: “Well, this isn’t what I want, but it’s what I got, so okay.” It uses the quotation to introduce acceptance of circumstances, not to claim that all difficulties can or should be welcomed.
““Inside every ‘yes’ there’s a ‘no.’””
— Steve Hauptman, in the Tiny Buddha essay
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Limits of a Personal Account
The source presents a personal essay, not a research report. It provides no study data or independent evidence establishing how common the described patterns are or whether accepting tradeoffs produces particular psychological or health outcomes. Hauptman’s phrase “control addict” should be read as his own framing in the essay, not as a formal diagnosis.
The account does not give a publication date, and the source describes a revised edition of his book as forthcoming without specifying a release date. In the hospital episode, Hauptman says a cardiogram showed a blip that suggested a possible transient ischemic attack and that he was sent to the emergency room for tests. He does not report the test results or a diagnosis, so the essay does not establish that he had a TIA.
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What the Account Leaves Open
The source offers no scheduled follow-up or further reporting. It says only that a revised edition of Monkeytraps was forthcoming, without a date or additional publication details. Readers seeking further information about that book would need to check for later updates from Hauptman or the publisher.
The essay closes with Hauptman’s account of lying in a hospital hallway after being sent to the emergency room. He says he canceled six client sessions, spoke by phone with his worried wife and waited through tests, but surprised himself by taking a nap rather than reacting with anger or worry. The medical outcome is not stated. The episode’s role in the essay is personal: Hauptman presents it as an example of accepting circumstances he could not control while waiting for more information.
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Key Questions
What is the main point of Hauptman’s essay?
Hauptman argues that people cannot meet every priority at once. He says choosing one commitment often means setting aside another, and he is learning not to treat that tradeoff as automatic proof of failure.
What does Hauptman mean by “control addiction”?
He uses the phrase for the human desire to make people, events and outcomes conform to personal wants and expectations. It is his framing in a personal essay, not a formal diagnosis stated in the source.
Did Hauptman say he had a transient ischemic attack?
No. He says a cardiogram showed a blip that suggested a possible TIA and that he went to the emergency room for tests. The essay does not provide the test results or a diagnosis.
Is the essay based on research?
The supplied source is a personal essay and provides no research data. Its observations about control and tradeoffs are Hauptman’s reflections, not findings from a study cited in the account.
Source: rss
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